Failing

I think it has become known to many people in my life that I am my harshest critic. I hold myself to a high standard and if I fall short of this standard, I take my 'failure' seriously. I have been thinking, rethinking, and over-thinking the intricacies of how I feel that I have 'failed' so far in my ministry career. Not healthy, I know. This is why I have surrounded myself with people who will continually remind me that not even God expects me to live up to my own standard.

But what is most important in this process is learning something important through my shortcomings. Here are my recent learnings and re-learnings:

1) Sermons should not always be explicit moral lessons, even if the topic suggests that it should be.
2) You never know when a sermon you think is a "failure" actually touched someone in a deeply spiritual way.
3) The sermon is not the only message of the Christian worship service. Rather, all that is said, sung, and done carries messages.
4) Admitting my struggle with the Scriptures or with the theological message of the music and liturgy tells the story of my own personal theological viewpoint.
5) I owe myself a lot of grace, especially with how much work I am taking on at once.
6) The so-thought "external" stresses of life actually hit at the core of my spirituality. I am impacted deeply by the "distractions" that I use so much energy trying to ignore.
7) Liturgy is not always a neat and tidy thing.

This last point I have given a lot of thought to lately. One might say from a so-called "high church" perspective that each element of the service should flow easily into the next. But the reality of the matter is that worship, like theater, is never the same twice. As many times as it is rehearsed and thought through, the Spirit lets us trip over our words (or our vestments :) ) in order to remind us to let Her in! From a Freudian slip to a slip on a slick floor, comedy has a place in worship. We are allowed to mess up in church without embarrassment because we do not need to act like we are any more "perfect" (which is an incredibly subjective concept anyhow) than God made us. In fact, we are whole and "perfect" as we are with our mistakes, slips, accidents, misdeeds, and such in the mix of our lives.

Now, can the preacher accept this message and give himself a bit of slack? We'll see :)...

And what is the queer point of all of this? Expectations come from many directions in life. Parents expect their children to honor them in their behavior. Congregations expect their pastors (and members) to reflect their values and mission in all they say and do. Our country expects us to be good consumers who keep the economy flowing through spending. Our lovers, partners, and spouses expect us to 'be' a certain way in public. Amidst all of these complex expectations, what does God expect... or require of us?

What comes to mind is Micah 6:8, " God has told us what is good. What God requires of us is this: to do what is just, to show constant love, and to live in humble fellowship with our God" (TEV). God's queer expectation of us often has very little to do with the expectations of the world. Perhaps the question I should be asking myself is, "In worship, do you preach justice, demonstrate constant unconditional love for all, and reflect a humble spirituality?" The Good News is this: even if the answer is "no," at any given point in time, there is a wideness in God's mercy and God's grace knows no end.

In the words of Alanis Morissette, "You live, you learn."